My grace

Today  is the 4^th anniversary of my daughter Amanda’s accident that almost killed her. This evening I was talking with a friend and telling her how tired I was, how angry I was at myself, and how I was scared I am at possibly losing my joy again. She was a great listener and with a lot of heart and good advice I came away from the call feeling encouraged.

Since around Thanksgiving my daughter has been experiencing migraines. If you have ever suffered from migraines, and I do, you know how debilitating they are. Add to that having no insurance and the cost of doctor visits, trips to the prompt care and medicines….well, it’s enough to give a person migraines.  The last two months have been long days and nights trying to figure out how to care for her, take away her pain, encourage her, and most of all not panic. We finally discovered she has slipped disks in her jaw and she is going to get some treatment…again at a pretty substantial cost.  I am grateful to God for his direction and I am sure he has guided us to this evaluation. But because the days have been so long and stressful, I have fallen into bed each night just wanting to sleep and not to think. Then I jump up in the morning to face more challenges. The one important item on my agenda for each and every day has been to have a good prayer time but I have failed at that. When I have a few minutes of quiet time I am just too tired to concentrate enough to read my bible. As I try to pray, I find my mind wandering, just as it did all those months in the hospital. Not only does my mind wander but it seems as soon as the sun rises, our day takes a life of it’s own. It also seems like I have become somewhat negative and that scares me. I am a simple person and joy has just been in my nature, been me. But when the accident happened and months in the hospital and all that has followed I lost my joy for a while. I fought long and hard to get it back and I never want to go to that place again.

Today, as my good friend Julie listened to me pour out my concerns, the Lord started speaking to me. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…I delight in weakness for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.  God is telling me that there will be times I am weak and he knows that…that is why he provides grace. Not only has he provided grace to me but when I am weak his power is made PERFECT! He never said “I am counting on your prayers to make me, God perfect.” Or, “I need your joy to make me, God perfect”. Or even “you need to never be weary because your Lord God is too weak to care for you”. I hear God telling me that I will have times that are hard, times I will be weak and that he knows that and is providing for those times. Halleluiah!

The past month I have been tired, scared, and concerned. But not once, even though I was distracted, overwhelmed and weak, was I ever hopeless. And during those dark times of the accident and since I have never lost my faith in my God, whom I know as healer, comforter, sustainer, a God whose love and mercy for me is greater than I could ever fathom…”His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse nor his delight in the legs of a man, the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.” Psalm 147:10-12.

If you are someone who, like me, has been tired, discouraged, overwhelmed, take heart not in my words but the words of our Father…”You are a shield around me, O lord, you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. I lie down and sleep. I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. “ Psalm 3:3,5. Our God knows what we are going through. He will bring us back from our tiredness, he will restore our joy, and he will sustain us.  Being tired, overwhelmed, discouraged is not a sin….it is being human and being human is how God made us. What God  wants to see in us is a deep love for him and faith in his power. He looks at our hearts and he knows our hearts. “…The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7…love in our hearts.  “I know that my Redeemer lives and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.” Job 19:25…faith in his power.

The next time you find yourself struggling with the pressures of this life, don’t condemn yourself. Know that you have a Father that understands and will be your strength…”It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. You give me your shield of victory and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me so that my ankles do not turn.” Psalm 18:32, 35-36. And remember that our God knows you better than you know yourself and loves you more than imaginable. Your suffering is not in vain and you are not alone.

“That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard  what I have entrusted to him for that very day.” 2 Timothy 1:12